Loving someone calls out parts of us untouched by anything else. Loving and being loved is the genesis of trust, fearlessness, safety, vulnerability. Linking to another calls for courage, and hones our concept of “forever”. Falling under love’s spell is the only time we’re wholly, nakedly, ourselves.
It’s so scary that most partners would rather fight, go silent, resentfully acquiesce, or run away rather than connect. We think that connecting with the one we love calls for us to “give ourselves over”, “lose” ourselves. And that that person will, with malice aforethought, mistreat us.
Being by yourself and being in a relationship isn’t always unhealthy, though. In fact, the bulk of who we are is lived individually, as it should be. The relationship itself stays healthy when there is a communicated, mutual understanding of, and confidence in, the “us-ness” that bridges one to the other.
Successful relationships are overlapping, not pancaking. A well-designed spell allows each partner to breathe.
Take John and Mary, for instance. To him, being alone means time to decompress after work, diddling on the computer or watching the news. For Mary it’s a long, hot, bubbly soak spent with a trashy novel, candles . . . and no kids.
Are we now too busy to spend time re-casting love’s spell? Too dour to be delighted in loving and being loved? So impersonal that we let our thumbs wirelessly communicate our needs?
Is casting a spell a lost art?A passionate lover of the season of beauty and decay, Kathe Skinner is a Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in teaching couples how to be safe and vulnerable at the same time. She lives in Colorado with her husband of 28 years, David, and their 2 hooligan cats, Petey and Lucy. Black spirit cats Squeak and Winston Bean never felt safe on Halloween. © 2014, Being Heard, LLC Image courtesy of 9comeback at FreeDigitalPhotos.net